


What Changes Day by Day

by violasarecool



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Recruitable Dustil mod, unintentional misgendering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-06-03 15:13:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6615451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violasarecool/pseuds/violasarecool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's not that Siat's unused to discomfort; wars are hardly without pain. but this pain is strange, different, like someone flicked a switch in the night and everything changed. it's certainly not something Siat expected an unknown Iridonian to have the answer to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> FUNNY STORY i had actually planned on /not/ writing anything for today seeing as i've already done three fics in a row for star wars poly week but then i was replaying kotor 2 and my brain was like HEY WRITE THIS and obviously i was like OK BRAIN YOU'RE THE BOSS

That morning, Siat woke up with an uncomfortable feeling nagging at her. Something felt... off. She slid off the bed, walked over to the window that looked out over Citadel Station, her reflection staring back at her in its shiny surface. _Wrong_ , her mind said, but she couldn't figure out why.

_Wrong,_ it said, as Atton buzzed Kreia on his wrist comm ("yeah, she's up, we can go any time," he said).

_Wrong,_ it said, as she sat slumped over the small table in their temporary quarters while they waited for Kreia to return, her chest pressing uncomfortably against the cold metal.

"You alright?" Atton asked, as they followed an Ithorian to the small shuttle prepped to take them down to Telos's surface. "You haven't said much all morning."

"I'm _fine_ ," she said, perhaps with more venom than necessary, and he raised his hands defensively.

"All right, all right, I won't bother you. Jeez, first Kreia, now you? Women are so touchy."

She made no reply, following him silently into the shuttle.

_Wrong,_ her mind whispered.

* * *

The crash landing on Telos was more than sufficient to wipe the morning's discomfort from her mind; minutes later, even this was overshadowed by the Iridonian standing in front of her. Speaking to Bao-Dur for the first time was like meeting a figure from a dream. There was this itch in the back of her brain telling her he should be familiar to her, words on the tip of her tongue, memories that refused to surface from a dark pool of forgotten moments.

What was worse, considering how short a time he claimed to have served in the war with her, he seemed to know more about her than she did. After a longer conversation than perhaps was prudent (if Kreia's warning about the Sith following them wasn't fresh enough in Siat's mind, Kreia's pointed comments and impatient glare certainly made it so) Siat felt more lost than when they'd begun.

"We should get going," Bao-Dur finally said, and that was one thing that everyone could agree on. As they walked, however, he drew back from Atton and Kreia (who had begun arguing again, _of course_ ), falling into step with her. "Forgive me, General, there _is_ one more thing, and then I promise I won't bother you for a while," he said, smiling.

"Yeah?" She glanced at him, curiosity fighting its way above the churning sea of confusion in her gut.

"What pronouns would you like me to use for the time being?"

"What?" She wrinkled her nose. "What are you talking about?"

"Ah," Bao-Dur said hesitantly, "I didn't think you'd have forgotten that too. Whatever happened to you, it got you good, huh?" She said nothing, and he glanced off at the grassy landscape behind them, eyes unfocused as if recalling something long gone, another memory beyond her grasp. "When I knew you, during the war, there was a part of you that was... different, depending on the day. That might be a bad way of putting it, I'm don't know," he said, shrugging. "But sometimes you'd ask me to refer to you as 'she', sometimes 'he', or 'ey'. I got into the habit of just asking whenever I saw you."

"Oh." Siat looked away, brain buzzing. _Different, depending on the day. Different pronouns._ It was strange, but it felt... right.

"You don't have to think about it right now, I just thought I'd ask," he said gently.

"No, it's fine, good," Siat said, with a look that was both grateful and somewhat unsure. "Uh, for now... ey, I guess."

"Alright," Bao-Dur said, smiling, "ey it is."

_Right,_ eir mind said, the feeling of discomfort loosening somewhat, and ey smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im considering adding each of the companions' reactions when Siat explains it for the first time as I get to new companions in my replay.....
> 
> [EDIT 22/05/16]: yeah im definitely keeping going with this, ive already started on the third chapter sooo


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> discussing _pronouns_ with atton is simultaneously more and also less painful than siat had imagined

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dustil stuff is inspired by the recruitable dustil mod im using this playthrough, which i would totally recommend, and you can find here: [[x]](http://www.princessartemis.com/images/mods/k2dustilnpc.html)

Siat felt strangely buoyant as they followed Bao-Dur through the grass, as if eir pack had suddenly emptied of extraneous weight. Ey almost didn't mind when they ran into a friend of Bao-Dur's, a man named Dustil Onasi with a lightsaber at his hip and a caustic wit that sent Atton storming off "to check for Czerka patrols." Bao-Dur introduced Siat, telling Dustil he "served under eir command in the Mandalorian wars" ( _right!)_ , and to Siat's surprise, Dustil picked up on the pronoun immediately. It was one of the least painful conversations ey'd had to endure in days, and as they set off to rejoin Atton  with Dustil now in tow, the ensuing silence was almost comfortable, despite the aura of disapproval emanating from Kreia.

They ran into several groups of mercenaries as they went, more than was expected from a planet that was supposedly nothing more than a restoration zone. The largest of the groups was already waiting for them when they reached a cluster of storage facilities, and they were forced to take cover, Atton and Siat splitting off to duck behind a pair of plasteel cylinders as blaster shots went off over their heads.

Siat knelt on the hard earth, firing at the closest group as beside em, Atton lowered his blaster pistols to answer the comlink on his wrist. "How many do you see?" he said, without preamble.

_"A couple dozen,"_ came Bao-Dur's voice.

"Why the hell are there so many of these guys?" Atton demanded.

_"I don't know, but Czerka certainly has the money for it,"_ Bao-Dur said. _"We've found a console on a platform near the far cliff; we're moving that way now. Kreia's covering me, and I see Dustil; is Siat with you?"_

"Yeah, she's right beside me," Atton said.

_"Ey,"_ Bao-Dur said; Siat glanced around, a spike of panic shooting through em. _Fuck, not now._

"What?" Atton stared at his wrist communicator, then ducked his head just in time to avoid a blaster shot.

_"Wrong pronoun."_

"What—I don't have time for this, we're kind of being shot at right now. Just do your thing, we'll be over there soon. Atton out." He sat up on his heels to send another shot at the remains of the closest group of mercenaries. Ahead of them, Dustil cut down one, then the other as she turned to see what had happened to her companion. Atton turned to Siat as Dustil jogged toward them. "What was that about?"

Siat looked away, heart sinking. And there was one person ey'd hoped to avoid talking to about this: Atton, who'd managed to make lewd comments about most of the women they'd come across. Atton, who avoided any conversation more personal than his last pazaak game, or how they were planning to get out of their latest situation. Atton, who was dismissive and irritable and, if ey was honest with emself, more like em than not.

"It doesn't matter," Siat said brusquely. "We should go help Bao-Dur and Kreia."

"Yeah, yeah, I can walk and talk," Atton said, as they edged around the side of the building toward the rest of the mercenaries, Dustil coming up behind them. "Why did he say 'ay'?"

Siat peered around the corner to avoid answering; among eir many reasons for not answering lay the fact that ey barely understood the situation emself. "Maybe he was excited," ey finally said, aiming eir blaster at the mercenaries below.

"Hahah. He also said ' _wrong pronoun',"_ Atton said.

Dustil tapped his lightsaber impatiently. "Is now really the time for a _grammar lesson?"_

"Who's talking about grammar?" Atton said, giving him an irritated look.

"Sure _sounded_ like you were talking about personal pronouns," Dustil said, and, ok, the sense of calm Siat had before? Officially completely gone. "You know, _ey_ fired _eir_ blaster?" he added.

" _Ey_ is going to blast you both if you don't go kill these bastards," Siat hissed.

Dustil glanced at em, and shrugged. "Alright, alright. Not like your friend looks like she needs help," he said, nodding at Kreia as she flung half the mercenaries to the ground with one force push; still, he lit up his lightsaber, and ran to join her.

Siat blasted a straggler on the edge of the group, before glancing over at Atton, who hadn't moved.

" _Oh,"_ he said, releasing the word on a long exhale. "Damn, I'm slow today. You don't like being called 'she'."

_And there it is._ Siat met his gaze cautiously. "Not all the time." Ey glanced away, back at the mercenaries, but Dustil and Kreia had things well in hand. "Some days are different."

"Alright... Well, uh, tell me when things change, I guess?" Atton rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"Ok."

They stood in silence for a moment, the sounds of blaster fire dying away as the mercenaries fell one by one. "So, ' _ay',_ " Atton said. "I had an old pal who went by 'zie', but I've never heard of that one, I don't know how it, uh, works?"

"Ey, em, eir," Siat said, the words rolling off eir tongue without having to think about them—which was probably for the best. "Like, ey told the cocky pilot how to use eir pronouns so he'd stop calling em a woman."

"Hah." He glanced at em uncertainly. "This morning—"

"It's fine," ey cut him off.

"Right." He rubbed his arm, looked down.

_Hells, this is awkward._ Siat sighed. "Look, can we just pretend somehow that this is _not_ totally weird and get on with our lives?"

Atton gave em a sharp glance. "It's not weird."

"Really," Siat said, unconvinced.

"I mean, it's kind of _awkward_ right now," Atton said dryly, and Siat's lips twitched, "but it's not weird. You're not the first person I've met with different... pronouns? and you won't be the last."

"Well, that's... good to know?" Siat said, voice uncertain, but his relaxed tone was almost... reassuring. Still, when Dustil waved an arm beckoning them over, ey was relieved to start moving again.

"Now, _Hutts,_ " Atton said as they walked down the gentle incline, "those guys are weird _._ Big ugly creatures that move ten times slower than your average grandma, and yet somehow they control a huge chunk of known space."

"Seems like a bad idea to talk shit about a species with that much power," Siat said, latching gratefully onto the clumsy change of subject.

"Hey, I wouldn't say it to their _face._ That's like signing your own death-warrant, and I do _not_ want to die in a Hutt prison. Apparently they smell something awful," he said, shooting em a grin, and ey smiled, shaking eir head at him. They walked up onto the platform where Kreia and Dustil stood beside Bao-Dur, a console flashing under Bao-Dur's fingers.

"I've located a shuttle," Bao-Dur said as they approached, not looking up from the console.

"Good," Siat said. "I can't wait to get off this planet.

He gave em a wry look. "You may have to wait a little longer—it's in the mining tunnels, looks like it's been there quite a while. I'm hoping it's not too run down, but even if we're lucky, I doubt it would make it off the planet."

"Well isn't that just _great,"_ Atton said. "What about the Hawk?"

"That's the good news," Bao-Dur said, tapping at the keypad. "I think I know where your ship is."

Siat breathed a sigh of relief. _Finally. The sooner this day's over, the better._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> siat just wants to be done with this whole week tbh, this poor child


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in the time it takes them to reach dantooine and start exploring, they manage to acquire several new companions; and each person who joins them is another potential conversation about gender and pronouns. siat is beginning to feel somewhat overwhelmed.

After they left Telos, the Ebon Hawk began to fill quickly, almost without time to think about it. One of the handmaidens had followed them onto the ship, and with the way back to Telos closed off, they had no choice but to take her with them (at least to the next populated planet). Upon arriving at Dantooine, Siat went back into the Hawk for a second blaster and was ambushed by a Sith assassin who turned out to be quite willing to turn on her former master and join them. And not a few hundred metres from the landing port, they found the last missing piece for the droid in the storage compartment, and with a few repairs from Bao-Dur, suddenly they had an assassin droid in their company. There was barely time for introductions, let alone a complicated conversation along the lines of "hey, would you mind changing the way you refer to me every day or so?"

Besides, these people were pretty much complete strangers. The brief conversation with Atton was bad enough; the idea of sharing such personal information with _them_ made Siat feel like vomiting.

So when Bao-Dur stopped by Siat's quarters the next morning as they prepared to enter the ruins of the Jedi enclave, Siat clenched his teeth against the phantom pain in his chest, and lied.

"She," he said, before Bao-Dur had a chance to ask.

"Alright," Bao-Dur said, smiling. "Are you ready to go?"

And that was that. Or so Siat thought.

Later, when they left the enclave with yet another addition to their company in tow, Siat found himself talking more than he'd talked all day. Mical was... interesting, and Siat found he could honestly use the word without a hint of sarcasm. Admittedly, part of it was the knowledge Mical held about things Siat could no longer remember. But unlike Kreia, he was refreshingly straightforward about it, explaining details about the Mandalorian and Jedi Civil wars Kreia had glossed over as 'unimportant', telling Siat what he knew about the downfall of Revan and Malak.

"Perhaps there was some essential part of their teachings that was flawed," Mical was saying, "a failing of the teachers, of the Jedi Code."

"If you're going to blame teachers, Revan would have had the same ones as me," Siat commented, as they walked out into the open grassy plain.

Kreia seemed amused by this. "Yes, she would have."

"Well, not quite," Mical said. "Revan had many teachers in her time, you wouldn't have learned from all of them. Master Kae for one left for the Wars quite early on."

Siat shrugged.

"Regardless, in the end it is said she returned to her first Master, to learn how she might best leave the Order."

"Her first master?" Siat asked.

"I am not certain who it was. The archives hold very little information as to their identity."

"Luckily, as one already exiled, he has little need of such guidance," Kreia said.

Mical frowned. "I was not exiled, I left willingly."

"Not _you_ ," Kreia said scathingly. "Siat."

Siat froze.  _Wait, what._

"She," Bao-Dur said, and Kreia turned her head toward Siat.

"Really," she said, lips quirking up in a half smile.

_How did she know?_ Siat swallowed, heart pounding. "Yes," he lied, trying to shield his thoughts, knowing even as he did that it was useless.

"While deception can be a useful tool, in this particular instance you are only giving yourself unnecessary difficulty," Kreia said.

"What?" Bao-Dur frowned, glancing at Siat.

Siat glared at Kreia. "I'll be the judge of that. Stay out of my mind."

"If you think I broke into your mind to glean such insignificant information, you are mistaken," Kreia said. "I spoke simply on intuition, perhaps I was mistaken." However, the satisfied curve of her mouth indicated she believed no such thing.

"You are," Siat said shortly.

They walked the rest of the way in silence, Siat's thoughts bouncing around his mind like frightened gizka. As they entered the ship, Siat made a split-second decision. "Bao-Dur," he said, giving him a sharp look. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," Bao-Dur said.

Behind them, HK made as if to follow them to his customary place in the garage, and Siat held up a hand. "In private."

"Query: Do you really think I am desperate to listen to your idle chatter?" HK said.

"Then you won't mind _going somewhere else,"_ Siat retorted.

He sighed. "Yes, master. I will do whatever master wishes, of course." He walked away, continuing to grumble as the clanging of his metal feet faded.

Siat turned back to Bao-Dur. "After you."

They walked into the garage, Siat closing the door behind them before stopping a few feet in. Bao-Dur crossed the room and closed the other door. "What did you want to—" Bao-Dur started, but Siat cut him off.

"I need you to stop correcting people," Siat said.

Bao-Dur gave him a wary look. "This is about your pronouns."

"Yeah." Siat crossed his arms. "I don't care if I told you one thing this morning and someone else is using something different, I don't need you to speak for me."

"Ok," Bao-Dur said. "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to speak for you. I just thought—"

"Don't," Siat spat. "Do you know what it's like, constantly trying to decide just how _desperately_ you want to have a long, painfully personal conversation with someone you just met? Like, hm, do I want to try and explain gender pronouns to this complete stranger or shall I just let them stab me in the fucking gut every time they talk about me? Let me tell you, it's not a damn picnic.

"So you don't get to just decide it's your right to tell someone for me. Because it's a shitty choice, but it's _my kriffing choice,_ and I'm the only one who gets to make it. Got it?"

Bao-Dur nodded tightly. "Got it."

"Good," Siat said. He breathed deeply, trying to slow his thundering heartbeat. He could feel Bao-Dur's eyes on him, but now that he was done speaking, he couldn't bring himself to meet them.

"Is that why you lied?" Bao-Dur asked quietly.

"Yeah," Siat muttered, " _that's_ why I lied."

They stood in silence for a moment, the echoing stillness stretching on until the restlessness in Siat's limbs was too much to remain standing still. He was just about to make some excuse to leave when Bao-Dur spoke again.

"I understand if you don't want to tell complete strangers," Bao-Dur said, "but everyone on this ship is here because they would follow you to the end of the galaxy. I won't tell them," he added, as Siat gave him a warning look, "but, you know, most of them would probably die for you."

"I don't want them to die for me," Siat said, momentarily confused. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Using your pronouns is probably a commitment they can handle," Bao-Dur said, smiling.

Siat rolled his eyes. "Hah." As he met Bao-Dur's eyes, though, his mouth tugged upward in a small smile. "Alright," he said, "enough talking. I need to make sure Atton actually knows where we're going so we don't crash into a small planet on our way to Korriban."

"Enjoy," Bao-Dur said. "Think about it, though," he added, as Siat made to leave.

"Ok," Siat said.

Later, when they were safely in hyperspace, Siat paced the cockpit for a good twenty minutes before Atton demanded he either spit out what was bothering him or go pace somewhere else. To both Atton's and his own surprise, Siat did both. And as he paced down the halls, Atton's advice to "just tell them and get it over with" mingling with Bao-dur's words earlier, Siat found himself walking toward the cargo hold where the Handmaiden practised her Echani forms.

And after he'd explained it to her, telling the others was almost easy. Nothing like the awkwardness of talking to someone in their underwear to make all other concerns pale in comparison.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> siat and co land on korriban, and find a familiar face waiting

Once he was done explaining gender pronouns in arduous detail, the trip through hyperspace to Korriban was almost relaxing. Siat, Atton, and T3 played pazaak through most of the second half of the trip, and Mira joined them near the end ("Ok, we have _three_ players now, can we ditch the droid?" "The _droid_ plays better than you, so no." "Excuse me?" "You heard me.").

As they prepared to land on Korriban, however, Siat felt a shadow descend over his previously lightened mood. The others seemed to feel it too, though Atton especially. Once they'd landed the ship, Atton kicked his feet back against the console, and announced in no uncertain terms that he was sitting this one out. Honestly, Siat couldn't blame him. It took all of his willpower to stand up from his seat in the cockpit to go meet the others in the main hold, but he did it anyway.

And they weren't the only ones reluctant to spend time on the surface of Korriban, it seemed. Once Kreia was done telling them what she knew about the desert planet, she announced that she too would be staying on the ship while they searched the former Sith academy.

"Alright then," was Siat's only comment. If Kreia wanted to keep her condescending presence away from them, that was fine by him.

"If I might, I would like to accompany you," Mical said. "Korriban is rich with ancient artifacts, not only from the Sith, but from those they conquered as well. It could be a useful source of information."

"Sure," Siat shrugged. "Mical, Bao-Dur, HK, with me. I don't want to draw a lot of attention until we know what's waiting for us, so," he gave HK a narrow look, "let's keep a low profile."

"Master, I do not like your implication," HK complained, "I am an assassin droid, not some bumbling meat bag."

"Mm," Siat grunted. "Just save the noisy blasting until we're well underway."

"Yes, Master," HK said in a long suffering tone.

As they stepped off the ship, the heavy feeling of something looming over them increased almost immediately. Not only that, but when they stopped just feet off the loading ramp of the Ebon Hawk, Siat could have sworn he heard whispers, echoing voices that had him glancing around distractedly until Bao-Dur touched his arm.

"Siat? Can you hear me?"

"Hm?" His head snapped around, and he realized the others were staring at him.

"You hear it too," Mical said, and it wasn't a question, but Siat answered anyway.

"Yeah."

"Statement: My sensors do not detect anything," HK said in a tone so plaintive Siat almost laughed.

"That's because droids aren't Force sensitive," came a voice, and they turned to see Dustil standing a few feet away. "Sorry, HK," he added, "guess there's still something us _meatbags_ are good for."

HK made a noise of disgust.

"You two know each other?" Siat asked.

" _Know_ is putting it a bit strongly," Dustil said, "but we've met, yeah." He glanced around their small group, nodded at Bao-Dur; the look Mical gave him was oddly hostile, and Dustil's mouth twitched up in apparent amusement. "Glad I found you guys again, anyway. Wasn't sure if you'd come find me, galaxy saving duties and all."

"We had intended to visit Korriban regardless of _your_ movements," Mical said sharply.

"Right," Dustil said, giving him a sideways glance. "Well, not sure how much you're going to find here that's of any use, but I can share what I've found, help you guys look around."

Siat nodded. "Thanks."

"Query: will the  _Jedi_ be joining the Ebon Hawk's ever-growing crew?" HK asked, and Mical glanced at Siat, frowning.

"I was kind of assuming that was the plan," Dustil said, "but it's up to you, of course."

"Oh, but if it is _master's_ decision, then _naturally_ we will be adding another meatbag to our collection," HK said. "He seems to be _very_ fond of aggravating my circuits with as many useless life forms as possible."

Siat rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, do you have a problem with how I run this ship?"

"Of _course not,_ master. Obviously your choices are all completely logical and as well thought out as any meatbag could attempt."

"Thanks," Siat said dryly. "Any other objections?"

"I do not think it prudent," Mical said, arms crossed.

"I don't think much of what we've done could be called _prudent,"_ Siat said. "But if Bao-Dur vouched for him, I'll take it. Is that going to be a problem?"

Mical gave Dustil a narrow look. "I hope not."

As they began walking, Dustil fell in line with Bao-Dur, Siat and Mical a few paces ahead, while HK brought up the rear. "I'd say it's good to see intelligent life again," Dustil muttered to Bao-Dur, "but I'm not sure everyone here qualifies." He shot a significant look at Mical's back.

"Mm, no, I wouldn't call a droid _'life'_ either," Bao-Dur said, and Mical laughed.

"Don't one-up me, that's just rude," he said. "Although, speaking of HK, that bucket of bolts is even sassier than he was last time I met him."

"Perhaps you should blame that on his travelling companions," Bao-Dur said.

"Your sarcasm rubs off quickly, huh?" Dustil said, grinning, and ahead, Siat smirked. "Your old jedi friend has quite the mouth on him too, though," he added, and Siat almost tripped over his own feet as his brain caught on that particular phrase.

"Woah," Bao-Dur said stepping out of the way so he didn't crash right into Siat. "Alright there, General?"

"Yeah, I..." Siat looked sharply at Dustil. "How did you know I'm using he pronouns? That's not what I used when we met."

Dustil gave him a bewildered look. "Uh, HK just used them for you, what, a minute ago?"

"Oh." Siat rubbed the back of his head with one hand, then abruptly began walking again.

Dustil hurried to keep pace. "How did you _think_ I knew?"

_Uh. Well..._ "Reading my mind," Siat mumbled.

Dustil laughed. "What? Of course not, don't be ridiculous."

" _Ridiculous?"_ Siat spun around, and Dustil skidded somewhat as he ground to a stop just ahead of Siat in the loose sand. "Ok, first of all," Siat said, "you  _just happened_ to be in the right place at the right time to help us _,_ don't think I completely trust you just like that. You're a force user, you have the means to go _digging in my head,_ don't you tell me I'm being _ridiculous."_

"Ok, ok," Dustil said, holding up his hands placatingly. Behind him, Mical watched, a satisfied look on his face.

"And if Kreia managed to figure it out without any verbal help, you probably could too," Siat added.

"Wait, who what now?" Dustil asked.

Siat waved a hand dismissively. "Kreia, the other force user with us last time we met."

"You think she invaded your mind," Dustil said flatly.

"I wouldn't put it past her," Siat muttered.

Dustil snorted. "Listen, you might not trust me, or, uh, your old woman friend, but you seem pretty strong; trust me, you'd notice if someone invaded your mind."

Siat glanced at Mical, who nodded reluctantly. "He is correct."

"On the other hand..." Dustil trailed off, looking at Siat pensively.

"What."

"Well... it's not mind-reading, no _invasive_ bullshit, but you do feel... different, than you did the last time we met. In a kind of... Force-y way?"

"In a Force-y way," Siat repeated, eyebrows raised.

Dustil laughed. "Ok, like—you learn to recognize people by how they feel in the Force, right? Even with your eyes closed, you'd know the difference between me and Bao-Dur."

"I guess," he said. "I don't see how that applies, though, I'm still the same person."

"Yeah, ok, bad example. How about this: Hey, Bao-Dur," Dustil said, turning to him, "you've started using the Force since the last time I saw you."

Bao-Dur gave him a surprised look. "I have. I take it you can feel it?"

"Coming off you in _waves,_ " Dustil said, grinning, "which, by the way, congrats, that's awesome."

"Thanks," Bao-Dur said.

"What I'm saying here is," he said, turning back to Siat, "you can feel changes in the Force. To be honest, that's still a pretty bad example because opening yourself to the Force is just so insanely strong, you could feel that a mile off. But you can still feel little changes, like when your classmate is getting better at Force..." he paused, as if cutting himself off mid-thought, "pushes," he finished.

Mical snorted.

"So you're saying... you can feel gender changes as well?" Siat asked.

"Apparently. It's a bit of a blurry mess though. I wouldn't have guessed the difference _was_ gender stuff, I have no idea how your friend could have just _plucked_ a pronoun out of that."

"She's not my friend," Siat muttered.

"Uh huh."

Maybe it was the Force bond? If he had felt Kreia's pain back on Peragus... though it wasn't like they were experiencing every up and down of the other's _mood._ There was too much they didn't know about the Force bond, Siat thought irritably. He sighed, glancing up at the towering walls of the Sith tombs. But then, Kreia didn't seem any happier with their _arrangement_ than he was; perhaps it was unfair to assume too much there. Maybe he could cut her _some_ slack.

_If you have finished stewing in your own thoughts_ , Kreia's voice echoed—Siat jerked into awareness, swearing so violently that the others started backward, alarmed— _perhaps you might turn your attention to the millenia of ancient history that surrounds you instead of wasting time with senseless chatter._

But not too much slack, Siat thought wryly. Gods knew what Kreia would do with that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when they stumble upon the mandalorian camp on dxun, siat is not pleased to be back among mandalorians. however, their leader, mandalore, knows a few things ey didn't expect him to.

"She's back."

The low voice of the Mandalorian soldier jerked Siat out of eir thoughts like a burst of blaster fire, fingers twitching towards the blaster at their hip. As the soldier's head followed em, ey forced eir hand down. _No danger._  


Ey had found emself reaching for eir blaster with unnecessary frequency since they'd set foot in the Mandalorian camp, every gleaming visor and clanging vibroblade sending em reeling back to the battle on Malachor. If ey'd thought to find reprieve from the darkness of Korriban here, it was a futile hope.

So as Siat stepped past the soldier into the low building, pants green and brown with jungle filth, arms flecked with Cannock blood and sore from so many menial tasks ey could hardly count, ey was more than ready to give Mandalore a piece of eir mind.

He stood at the far end of the room, back to the door, the screen in front of him lit up with maps and technical schematics. He turned as the door closed behind em, his face obscured under the mask that was just another cold reminder of the war. "When the scouts said there was a human woman, an Iridonian, and a droid outside our base, I didn't expect to find someone quite as skilled as you."

There was laughter in his tone, and Siat's jaw clenched, hands curled into fists by eir sides. "I'm not a woman," ey snapped, mind seizing on the one thing within eir control.

Mandalore stilled. "What?" he said, and Siat noted with satisfaction that the comfortable, _jaunty_ note to his voice was gone.

"I'm not a woman, and you should be referring to me as _ey,_ not she." There was a moment of silence; Mandalore didn't move, didn't speak, didn't give any indication that he had even _heard_ em. "That's _ey loaded eir blaster,"_ Siat added, "if you don't—"

"I'm familiar with the pronoun." He turned his head slightly, as if examining them. "I guess I should have expected it."

_Expected it?_ Now it was Siat's turn for confusion. "What?"

"That ship of yours is pretty well travelled. Never seems to have ordinary _civilian_ passengers."

"Oh," Siat said.

"You thought I meant the pronouns?" he said, voice tinged with amusement. "Well, that too." Siat gave him an unimpressed look, which he seemed to take as waiting for an explanation. "Last person to fly that ship was a jedi too, and she used a jumble of pronouns. Mind you," he glanced at HK, "your droid could have told you all about that."

"My—" Siat followed his gaze, watched as HK turned his head to look at Canderous, then em. "You know him?"

"Yes, master. He travelled with my previous master," HK said.

Mandalore held out a hand. "Canderous Ordo," he said, as Siat shook it reluctantly. "We might have a few things to talk about, once we're done here."

* * *

After they'd visited Iziz and made it back to Dxun, Siat was ready to put both Onderon and its moon well behind them. Canderous asked to travel with them for a while longer—if what he said could really be considered asking ("I'm not ready to part company yet. It sounds like you have a lot of travelling to do. so do I.") Ey wasn't exactly disappointed that he'd be staying, though. Now that ey wasn't being misgendered or attacked by jungle fauna on a series of gruelling tasks, ey found emself much more inclined to stop and talk with him—and more importantly, desperately curious about his pronoun comments earlier.

Siat found Canderous in the garage, sitting on a plasteel cylinder as he tinkered with the comm on his wrist. On the other side of the room, Bao-Dur was bent over the workbench, and he smiled at Siat as ey entered. Ey returned the smile, warmth bubbling in eir stomach and strengthening eir resolve, and ey moved away, stopping in front of Canderous. Ey cleared eir throat, and he looked up. "So. The friend you mentioned before. Revan, I assume?"

"Pull up a chair," Canderous said dryly, and Siat shoved a crate over with eir foot and sat down. "Did you know Revan?" he asked, flipping the lid of his communicator closed, and he pocketed the tool.

"So I've been told," Siat said. "Not that I can _remember_."

Canderous gave a low laugh. "You know, meeting you on Dxun, I could have sworn I was meeting her all over again. She had a temper too, angrier than any Jedi I've seen, and tough as a Mandalorian. No, tougher," he said, "she did beat us in the end. She was a worthy opponent."

"She," Siat said, putting aside his other comment for the moment, "you said she used a bunch of different pronouns."

"Well, she introduced herself as 'she'; most of the time, she didn't really care what people called her. From what I heard, the Jedi mostly called her 'she', but when you hear stories about the man who defeated my people in that last glorious battle, those are true as well. He's both, she's both, and other things as well, all of it."

It was quiet now, even Bao-Dur's clacking of metal plates come to a standstill as he sat on the edge of the workbench, expression guarded, listening.

"When I met her, she pointed a blaster at my head, and told me it'd stay there until she believed at least half of what came out of my mouth. When she was in a bad mood, she'd shoot off pronouns I'd never heard of, answer us only to correct us, and change them 12 times a day. She didn't know much about _piloting_ a ship, but she'd taken apart and reassembled half the systems on the ship before we reached Manaan.

"She seemed scatterbrained at first, but it _worked,_ we stole the ship, and it's damn fastest ship I've ever flown."

"The insides are a mess," Bao-Dur muttered.

"But it works," Canderous said, smirking. "All of it, worked, I know dozens of pronouns in Basic, Mando'a, and a few in Ryl."

"Ryl?" Siat asked.

"A Twi'lek language, her native language. I'm not familiar with it, except for a few basic phrases. But Revan made damned sure I wouldn't be misgendering anyone in it." He glanced at Siat, who was staring the dirty durasteel walls, brow furrowed. He was silent a moment, but when ey didn't say anything more, he climbed to his feet. "Anyway, I need to stretch my legs. Tell me when we're getting close."

Siat nodded slowly, and Canderous left, the clanking of his boots on durasteel floor fading away. After a moment or two, ey lifted eir head with some difficulty, as if coming out of a deep sleep. Across the room, Bao-Dur watched em, a look of slight concern on his face. "Did you know that?" Siat asked, bewilderment creeping into eir voice.

Bao-Dur shook his head. "No. I guess Revan's gender wasn't important to some tech nobody," he said with a slight smile.

"You knew mine," ey pointed out.

"True. But she was much higher up in the chain of command. I never saw her in person, nevermind speaking to her."

"Right." Siat rubbed a hand over eir face, let eir chin rest on eir hand. "I just, never realized... there were others. And _Revan,_ of all people. It's... I don't know how I feel about that."

"There are plenty of others," Bao-Dur said, with a gentle smile as he walked over to sit beside em. "Even  _Atton_ knows at least one, after all."

Siat snorted. "Be nice," ey said, elbowing him in the side. Bao-Dur laughed.

Siat sat back, arms stretched back to rest on the end of the crate. "It's nice, though."

"Hm?" Bao-Dur glanced at em, eyebrows raised.

"Knowing that there's other people..." ey hesitated, wondering if it was too personal a thought to say aloud. But ey glanced at Bao-Dur, and he was smiling, and ey pressed on despite emself: "—like me. Out there," Siat finished, a hand raising instinctively to rub at eir ear.

"You're not alone," Bao-Dur said, and it was both a continuation and confirmation of eir thoughts.

"Yeah," Siat agreed. Ey wasn't alone.


End file.
